Top 10 Unfortunate Or Embarrassing Deaths

10

Empedocles

430 BC

Manner of death: Threw himself into a volcano to become immortal

Empedocles was a Greek philosopher who is probably best remembered for his classical theory of the four elements. He was the last Greek philosopher to write his theories down in verse form. Legend has it that Empedocles threw himself into the active volcano Mount Etna in Sicily in order to fool his followers into believing that his body had vanished and that he would return as a god. Unfortunately for Empedocles, one of his sandals survived the fury of the volcano and it was discovered by his followers – revealing their leader’s deceit.

9

Pyrrhus of Epirus

272 BC

Manner of death: Killed when he was stunned by a tile thrown by an old lady

Pyrrhus of Epirus was one of the greatest conquerors – his heavy losses in one campaign has led to the term “pyrrhic victory” being coined in his honor. Pyrrhus was such a great warrior that a Spartan royal (Cleonymus) asked him to defeat Sparta and put him on the throne. Pyrrhus was defeated – having underestimated the strength of the Spartan warriors, so he moved on to his next campaign in Argos. As he entered the city through the narrow streets on the back of an elephant, an old woman (unhappy with the conflict) threw a roof tile at him from her balcony. The tile stunned Pyrrhus which allowed a common foot soldier to stab him – killing him.

8

Eleazar Maccabeus

162 BC

Manner of death: Killed by the elephant he killed

Eleazar Maccabeus’ death is told in the Old Testament book of “I Maccabees”. During the Battle of Beth-zechariah, Eleazar thought he saw the enemy King Antiochus V riding an elephant near by. Thinking he would perform a heroic act by killing the elephant and king, Eleazar jumped under the elephant and stabbed it in the stomach with his spear. The dead elephant fell right on top of Eleazar killing him instantly. To add insult to injury, it was not even the King’s elephant.

7

Emperor Valerian

260 AD

Manner of death: Used as a footstool then skinned

Valerian was a noble Roman who became Emperor Valerian I. During his disastrous reign, the western empire fell into total disrepair. In 260 AD, Valerian was defeated in the Battle of Edessa and taken captive by the Persian King Shapur I. In order to humiliate the Emperor, Shapur used him as a footstool. When he grew tired of his footstool, Shapur had Valerian skinned and had his skin stuffed with dung and straw and put on display in one of the large Persian temples.

6

Humphrey de Bohun

1322 AD

Manner of death: Speared through the anus

Humphrey do Bohun was a member of a very powerful Anglo-Norman family in England. He spoke out against the excesses of the King (Edward II). While leading troops at the Battle of Boroughbridge, Humphrey de Bohun (4th Earl of Hereford) met with a rather unpleasant end:

“[Humphrey de Bohun] led the fight on the bridge, but he and his men were caught in the arrow fire. Then one of de Harclay’s pikemen, concealed beneath the bridge, thrust upwards between the planks and skewered the Earl of Hereford through the anus, twisting the head of the iron pike into his intestines. His dying screams turned the advance into a panic.”

Strangely, death via anal insertion was not entirely uncommon during this period of the middle ages, as the next item will attest.

5

King Edward II

1327 AD

Manner of death: Speared through the anus with a hot poker

Edward II was King of England for 20 years (from 1307 – 1327). Edward greatly upset the nobility in England because he preferred low-born citizens and had many “special” male friends – who received extravagant and expensive gifts. After he abdicated the throne and was imprisoned, his wife Isabella (disturbed by the close relationship the king had shared with a young man in the Royal Court) brought about his execution in secret:

“On the night of 11 October while lying in on a bed [the king] was suddenly seized and, while a great mattress… weighed him down and suffocated him, a plumber’s iron, heated intensely hot, was introduced through a tube into his secret private parts so that it burned the inner portions beyond the intestines.”

4

Humayun

1556

Manner of death: Tripped over his skirts and fell down some stairs

Humayun Mughal Emperor who ruled modern Afghanistan, Pakistan, and parts of northern India from 1530–1540 and again from 1555–1556. He was a great lover of the arts and astronomy and left behind a great legacy as a consequence. However, he was also very religious and this is what led to his downfall (literally). As he was carrying books from the library, Humayun heard the call the prayer. It was his habit to kneel on one knee when the call was made, and as he bent his knee, his foot got caught in the folds of his long robes. He happened to be standing at the top of a small flight of stairs. Humayun fell all the way down and hit his temple on a jagged rock – which killed him.

3

Arthur Aston

1649

Manner of death: Beaten to death with his wooden leg

Sir Arthur Aston was a lifelong professional soldier, most noted for his support for King Charles I in the English Civil War. He was a great soldier who saw a great deal of action during his lifetime. In September 1644, he fell from a horse and ended up with a wooden leg which was later used in his murder. In 1649, Oliver Cromwell’s forces attacked his town in the Siege of Drogheda and ordered that everyone be executed. Aston offered to surrender but the soldiers who captured him believed that he was hiding gold in his leg. They ripped it off and beat him to break open the leg. Unfortunately it was solid wood and it killed Aston.

2

Julien Offray de La Mettrie

1751

Manner of death: Ironically ate himself to death

Julien Offray de La Mettrie was a French doctor, philosopher, and potentially the founder of cognitive science. He believed that sensual pleasures (such as eating, sex, and play) were the sole reason for life, and so he decided to live his life by that principle. Julien was an atheist and believed that life on earth was just a farce to be lived and ended in self-gratification. Ironically, he died rather painfully after eating too much truffle pate at a feast held in his honor by a man he cured of an illness.

1

Bandō Mitsugorō VIII

1975

Manner of death: Died after eating pufferfish which he claimed to be immune to

Bandō Mitsugorō VIII was one of Japan’s most highly regarded Kabuki (a type of dance/drama) actors – so much so that he was declared a national treasure. On the 16th of January, the natural treasure decided to dine out on fugu liver (highly toxic) claiming that he was immune to it. The fugu chef who served him said that he simply could not refuse to serve the deadly livers to such an esteemed gentleman. Needless to say, Mitsugoro died within 7 hours.

Top 10 Unusual Ancient Weapons

10

Mere Club

Used by the Māori tribes of New Zealand, this simple-looking, yet solid, club was built from nephrite jade. Strangely enough, the Māori used the 12-20 inch club for jabbing and thrusting instead of swinging downward blows in the way that most other clubs are used. To the Māori, the mere was a very spiritual weapon. They named their mere clubs and passed them down through generations. They even believed that the clubs contained a mana (spiritual force) of their own. The Māori revered their mere clubs greatly. They were a symbol of leadership, and if any mere that was considered important by a tribe was misplaced, great efforts were taken by the tribe to make sure the mere was located and returned to its respective owner.

9

Hook Swords

Perhaps the most well-known on this list, the Chinese hook swords were wielded by the normally passive Shoalin monks of northern China. Beautifully and artistically designed, the blades were curved into a hook shape at the end which allowed the user to connect the blades by the tip and wield them as a single, long-ranged weapon. The crescent shaped guards were excellent at blocking blows as well as slashing enemies who got too close. The ends of the hilts were sharpened into daggers for stabbing at close range. These swords measured from 4-6 feet from the top of the hook to the end of the sharpened hilt. The blades saw most of their usage from civilians, as the Chinese military did not use them in any of their armies.

8

Kpinga

The kpinga was a throwing knife that was used by experienced warriors of the Azande tribe. The Zande people were residents of Nubia, a region in Africa composed of northern Sudan and southern Egypt. The knife (also known by its nickname, the Hunga Munga) was up to 22 inches long and had three blades that extended from the center. The blade closest to the handle is in the shape of a man’s genitals, and represented the masculine power of its owner. The alignment of the blades on the kpinga drastically increased the chances of impaling a target on contact. When the owner of the weapon was married, he presented the kpinga as a gift to the family of his wife.

7

Macuahuitl

The macuahuitl was basically a large, sword-shaped piece of wood, with razor-sharp pieces of obsidian embedded in the sides. Since the macuahuitl lacked a sharp point, it couldn’t be used as a stabbing weapon; however the jagged rows of obsidian gave the weapon a vicious tearing power that could cut deep lacerations in the enemy. The wood itself is heavy and strong enough to clobber opponents, thus enabling the Aztec to capture the foe alive to be used in their famous ritual sacrifices. There have been accounts of maquahuitls being able to decapitate horses, which is impressive, for a horse’s head is a good deal thicker than that of an adult human being.

6

Scissor

This rather odd-looking weapon was used in the arenas by the gladiators of the ancient Roman Empire. Interestingly enough, the gladiators who wielded the scissor in combat were also known as scissors. The metal casing at the bottom formed a long tube that covered the gladiator’s arm, allowing the weapon to easily block and parry, as well as counterattack. Made from hardened steel, the scissor measured up to one and a half feet long. It is surprisingly light, weighing in at an easy 5-7 pounds; this allowed the scissor to be wielded with a good amount of speed. The scissor’s unique shape and design made it a crowd favorite.

5

Chakram

Don’t be fooled, the chakram is not something you would want to play frisbee with. Unlike the frisbee, the chakram was often thrown vertically rather than horizontally. The deadly circle of metal was up to a foot in diameter. It’s extremely sharp edge ensured that the chakram could slice off arms and legs with ease. This weapon originated from India, where it was used extensively by the high ranking Indian Sikhs. Much like a distant relative, the shrunken, the chakram could be stacked one on the other and thrown repeatedly. One interesting throwing method used by professional warriors was to spin the chakram on their index finger, and then, with a sharp flick of the wrist, launch the whirring blade at their opponent.

4

Chu Ko Nu

Another Chinese weapon, the chu ko nu was basically an ancestor to the automatic rifle – it sacrificed range and power for a quick reload time. The wooden case on the top of the crossbow held 10 crossbow bolts which fell into place when the rectangular lever on the back was pulled back after firing a bolt. One interesting fact is that the chu ko nu last saw its use in the Sino-Japanese wars of 1894-1895, years after the rise of firearms. The crossbow could fire on average a total of 10 bolts within 15 seconds. Which, when compared to the reload speed of normal bows and crossbows, is a great improvement. For added effectiveness, some of the bolts were tipped with poison from the deadly aconite flower, also known as wolfsbane.

3

Nest of Bees

Now I have to hand it to the Chinese, their weapons have made four entries on my list. Third place is taken by the nest of bees, or flying fire. Basically it was a wooden container filled with tubes in the shape of a hexagon, which, when viewed from the front, gave the weapon the appearance of a large honeycomb. Inside each of the tubes was a rocket propelled arrow. The rockets launched the arrows with more power and range than that of a traditional bow. Up to 32 arrows could be launched from a nest at once. The Chinese would fire thousands of bees’ nests at once, killing plenty of enemies within seconds.

2

Katar

This Indian weapon gave its owner the claws of wolverine, minus the strength and cutting power of adamantium. The katar at first glance has a single blade, however when a trigger on the h-shaped handle was activated, the blade would split into three, one on the middle and one on each side. The three blades not only made the weapon more effective at stabbing and slashing, but they also intimidated and/or startled the opponent. The blade’s positioning on the handle also allowed it to easily block attacks. Its unusual design has yet another purpose – the triple blades could easily stab through all kinds of Asian armor with ease.

1

Zhua

One look at this incredibly odd-looking device was more than enough to convince me that it deserved the number one place on this list. Yet another Chinese weapon, the zhua’s conspicuous iron “hand” at the end had sharp claw-like nails that would impale flesh, and then tear it off from the body. The sheer weight of the zhua was enough to kill the opponent, but the claws made it even deadlier. When wielded by a professional, it could be used to pull mounted soldiers off their horse. But the main use of the zhua was to pull off the shields of enemies, leaving them exposed to the clawed hand of iron.